On Being Single… And Of The Choice To Hate Or Love

Wiser men than I, have said that there are only two emotions in life: Love and Fear. Anything that is not love is based on fear. Greed is the fear of not having enough. Bigotry is the fear that you’re different and therefore you will hurt me. Etc.

When we complete a cycle of love (commonly referred to as “break up”), theory tell us that we have to go through 5 phases. While not everyone experiences these phases in the same order, they are: 1) Denial (and isolation in case of death); 2) Anger; 3) Bargaining (you want to call/text him/her and beg for a second chance); 4) Depression, and 5) Acceptance. These were proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying”, published in 1969. Studies have shown that these are universal. That is, these are experienced by everyone on this planet of ours when mourning or grieving.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all go directly to phase 5? Yes, indeed, soothing to the heart. However, most of us, if not all of us, at some point in time will go through phase 2 “Anger.” But is there a wiser choice? Does the anger really impact anyone other than yourself? After all, unless you were to physically act on this anger (which I strongly discourage), your ex is not aware of this anger and has moved on. Wouldn’t it be better to replace it with love? Hard? You bet! Impossible? No.

If you are hurting because of the end of a relationship, please consider sending your ex love. I’m not talking about sending flowers, cards, bonbons, poems, or other assorted paraphernalia we associate with romantic love. I’m simply referring to the act of thinking of him/her and sending him/her thoughts of love. Does it work? Well, we know everything in the Universe is made of energy. So those waves of love energy you send him/her will be received. Whether your ex is receptive to them at the time is a different subject. I know one thing, it won’t hurt you and, in fact, will help you. Anger raises the blood pressure, releases hormones which have a detrimental effect on your health, prevent you from thinking clearly, and have a host of other negative side effects. Love releases hormones that have a positive effect on your health. S/he is highly unlikely to come back (the relationship is over – phase 5: acceptance), but I can almost guarantee you will feel better. And, most importantly, by sending love you will receive love. You are much more likely to find your next romantic partner when in a state of love than a state of anger. And, who knows, your former love partner may come back. If so, there is likely to be lots of land mines you both will have to navigate. But that is the subject of a different post.

In the words of H. G. Wells: “Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.

As always, with love, Jean-Pierre


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