It is often said that you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself. Still, most of us search for love in a partner. Yet, more and more of us seem to be alone (and most of us lonely). And, if I am to believe most of my friends who are in partnerships and what you read in the press, it even seems that we are alone when we are in a partnership. It seems more and more of us bounce from relationship to relationship in search of the seemingly ever-elusive one true love. (See, On Being One … And The Myth Of Loneliness; On Being One … And Of Green Grasses and Fences) The one love that we all deserve. The partner who will be committed to you, who will show up every time to be with you and only you, who will show by his/her words and his/her actions that s/he loves you. The one love who will make your toes tingle and your heart ache when s/he is not there.
Why? Why do we feel alone even when we are in a relationship? Why do bounce from relationship to relationship in search of our happiness? Could it be because we attract what we need to learn? Could it be because our partners always reflect how we feel about ourselves? Could it be that we never attract the wrong partner? That we attract only the partner that we need to teach us to love ourselves?
So, how do you attract your one true love? Simple, but not easy. In fact, for most of us, downright frightful. That’s because your worth and value as a woman or a man are not attached to anything or anyone that is not you (i.e., external to your beliefs about yourself). Love, security, safety, self-esteem, self-worth from anything or anyone outside of yourself is simply an illusion we create so that we don’t have to deal with our own internal issues (some call them demons). It is scary to think and believe that we cannot attract our one true love because we don’t love ourselves; because we don’t esteem ourselves; and we don’t trust ourselves. As a result, the vast majority of us settle for less than we deserve. Another way to say this is: We get what we deserve based on our level of self-love. The more we like ourselves, the closer we get to attracting our one true love.
Perhaps the problem is that society teaches us to equate being alone with being lonely and then piles on tons of negative images and emotions tied to being lonely (see, Of Being One …. And Of Being Lonely; On Being One … And The Myth Of Loneliness). So, when we are alone/lonely, instead of sitting in silence and finding a way to increase our self-love, to know our self-worth and value ourselves, we settle for a partner … any partner. And it is invariably not the one true love since that partner must reflect back to you your sense of self-love. But you give it your best shot. At the beginning, of course, we are wanting to be in love. So we perceive only either the best features of our new partner or, particularly if you are a woman, focus on the potential of your new partner. (Isn’t it funny how a man hopes the woman he partners with won’t physically change and she does, while a woman hopes that the man she partners with changes to live up to the potential she sees in him and he won’t?)
Of course, in due time, one of two things are most likely to happen. First, we come to the realization that we have settled, we uncouple the relationship (usually with many tears and heartaches, at least for the one being let go), and we repeat the cycle. Or … we come to understand that we must love ourselves first. We take the time to focus on loving ourselves. And then we take the time to focus this self-love unto our partner. We focus on our partner’s best features. We come to understand that our partner simply mirrors our own issues. We come to understand that what bothers us most in our partner is most likely what bothers us most about ourselves. We focus on love. Invariably, s/he will feel our focus and will respond to it. Sometimes, the person you thought was the wrong partner, turns out to be the right partner. Sometimes, you will agree that the partnership needs to be uncoupled, this time without tears and heartache. Or … we can continue to bounce from relationship to relationship, or settle for less than the love we deserve.
Of course, if you both agree to end the partnership, you will again be alone but, this time, not lonely. And it is likely that, if you maintain your focus on your self-worth, you will attract the one true love very quickly. And perhaps, if you allow it, you’ll discover that the one true love begins with your love for yourself and “ends” with a partner with whom you can be who you truly are without being judged, but rather being loved. Of course, this latter is a totally different subject which will be part of a later blog.
So let me end this with questions: Could it be that the One True Love we are all looking for is actually ourselves? Could it be we are here, on this planet, in this body and in this life, to learn to love ourselves? And what does that mean anyway?
I look forward to hearing back from you, and share with all readers, how you learned to love yourself.
“The course of true love never did run smooth.” – William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
As always, with love – Jean-Pierre
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