One thing is constant in our Universe… change! It comes as no surprise to anyone that everything always changes… nothing ever remains constant. Yet, some of us seem to be surprised when the energy in our relationship changes. At some point in time every couple encounters “problems.” Sometimes a problem can be minor, and sometimes it can be major, like a bout of infidelity. Either way, a “problem” can also be seen as an opportunity to grow, within and/or without the relationship.
When a “problem” arises, partners usually go into crisis mode and sometimes agree that changes to the partnership must take place. So, promises are exchanged and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch each other carefully to make sure that the other lives up to his/her promise. But do you watch yourself? Have you taken the time to examine how you (yes, you) create the “problems” that would allow you to change?
Am I not referring here to blaming yourself for whatever happened. That will not help you grow into your higher self. I am talking about the fact that your partner is a mirror to yourself and that your energy (i.e., thoughts) have created the environment and circumstances (i.e., problems) that you are now living. Once you can accept this concept, you can stop blaming your partner for whatever happened and start reflecting back upon yourself.
While you can certainly choose to focus on your partner and do your best to make sure s/he changes as promised, is this really in your highest good? They are who they choose to be and while they can change, they will do so only if they so choose. Threats and ultimatums are rather ineffective in changing someone’s beliefs and behaviors in the long-term. The key is to understand that neither of you are “broken.” You have simply created the circumstances that allow the both of you to grow… should you so choose!
In the end, a relationship is about you, not about your partner. It is an environment that allows you to reflect upon who you are and whom you want to be.
Here are 11 questions you may ask of yourself and consider whether a different belief/action would be in your highest good.
- Do you focus on your actions and behaviors? Do your thoughts mostly focus on the positive that surrounds you? Have you noticed the miracles all around you (e.g., have you wondered how the Earth is at the perfect distance from the sun? Or how your heart pumps and your lungs breathe without you thinking about it? How about the fact that you can get light by flipping a switch or potable water by turning on the faucet? How about the vast quantities of food items on the shelves of your local grocery store, or the myriad of items for sale in any store? I could go on.)? Have you taken stock of your inner qualities or do you spend most of your time demeaning yourself? Remember that people around provide you with a reflection (i.e., they are your mirror). If so, your perception of how they feel about you, or even of how they describe you, is a reflection of your internal dialogue. Do you notice if it’s mostly positive? If not, what are you doing about it?
- Do you take the time to get to know yourself? We often surround ourselves with “noise” and avoid silence so as to avoid knowing ourselves, as if we are scared of finding out who we really are. Yet, it is in the silence that we can examine our life, take score – so to speak – of the path we have traveled, the destination we want to reach and the best way to get there. This should be a positive exercise, full of wonder at the many twists and turns you have taken. There should be no criticism or defensiveness. Remember that everything you did, you did because you believed it would make you feel better. Every decision was the right one — at the time.
- Do you feel that somehow you have shifted gears? Do you feel there is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship with yourself? Do you stop blaming yourself and finding fault with your thoughts and actions?
- Do you talk differently to yourself? We all carry an internal dialogue. Most of us speak very negatively to ourselves and are unaware of doing so. Take the time to write down your internal thoughts – without judgment. You will be amazed at what you tell yourself. Do this for 2 weeks without judgment, just write down what you tell yourself. Be aware of your inner voice and do your best to have it whisper loving words to you.
- Does there seem to be less negative periods? Do you feel less stuck, helpless and hopeless? Do you move out of the funk quicker?
- Do you have more direction and purpose? Do you drift less? Are you driven more by your internal desires to be good to yourself? I’m not talking about shopping at Saks instead of Target. I’m talking about talking to yourself positively. Not blaming yourself when things go wrong but rather understanding that “this too shall pass.”
- Are you driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances? Remember that nothing is more important than the way you feel. Remember also that whatever you do (and everyone else does), you do in the belief that it will make you feel better. So why not just choose to feel better?
- Are you more emotionally balanced? Are moments of effusive crying, tear letting, chest beating and/or rage gone? Are apologies a thing of the past and are you now living in the moment?
- Are you no longer blaming others for your circumstances?
- Are you taking great steps toward self-care both physically, emotionally and spiritually?
- Do you worry much less about what will happen next, accepting that everything always changes?
Let me know what this exercise uncovers for you. As always, in love – Jean-Pierre
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